Guys only: Am I gay?

Wow.  I put that question at the end of my List in my first post, on July 9, hoping that I would find the answer eventually.  But hoorah! I have finally figured out where I am as a PERSON.  There are many things that make up a PERSON, and contrary to what some may think, sex is only PART of what makes us who we are, including me.  Hey, that’s not simple; it’s complicated.

At the outset, I must express my personal opinion.  Your mileage may vary, as the saying goes.

[sigh] …. I just don't like the word "gay" applied to me, sorry.  I am an individual human being, and much more than a single letter in someone else’s acronym.  I would never be able to participate in some of the things some gay men like.  That’s no different than what I did during my life as a heterosexual.  Some things are just too weird for me.

I prefer my privacy, because I own my body, and where I go, what I do, and with whom I do whatever has ALWAYS been a private thing, as a heterosexual.  Um, especially sex.  That’s why I’m not “coming out,” like it’s a big deal. Not the way I see it, fellas.

But YOU have to tell people SOMETHING.  My best advice is that you will get positive and negative vibes, expect that.  Here’s what I did.  I discussed my feelings, when I began to feel them, with a few people I trust 100%.  When I finally knew my mind, I pointed them to my Blog.  FIVE people.

The FIVE who LOVE and RESPECT ME, and I TRUST them.  I knew nothing, even this, could break the bonds between us.  Of course, the discussions were awkward, but I was upfront and honest.  Someday I’ll have a new guy to LOVE (I hope), and he will be welcomed.  Perfect.

That’s ALL that matters, dude.  As for everybody else, when they see my guy with me, I’ll know whose friendship still really means what I thought it did.  LOVE is forever, friends can’t always last that long.  No problem.  Meeting new friends only requires a “hello.”  You just go from there, as long as it lasts.

Uh-oh  GAY PRIDE  How’s this?  I have watched a ton of parades, but have never marched in one, and never will.  Just not my thing.  But….. If it’s YOUR thing, hey, I’ll watch you march by.  My very first time.  Wave at me, I’ll applaud you.  I have always been PROUD of who I am, and when I walk into a room with the guy I LOVE, I’ll show my pride.  No, not just for myself.  For HIM.

Sex is a big element in anyone’s life, and it can be wonderful or terrifying.  I prefer wonderful to terror, such as rape.  So, I must find someone to LOVE, because for me SEX without LOVE would not be an improvement over the asexual life I have had for years. 

I recently watched an inspiring movie (a German film, titled “BOYS”), that helped me to heal myself.  Heal? Yes, because a situation had developed that made me think about myself. Two males together?  Watch such a movie? Hated the thought. Until I watched THIS film, because this film is all about L-O-V-E, not anything else.

With many other things going on in my life, I said "why not?" I bought the DVD, and even before the great ending, had learned a lot. About MYSELF.  And unfortunately, many years too late.

No, this is not the usual review, of how great the movie was made, the acting, blahblahblah. More than that. I have watched thousands of movies. Nice entertainment, that's fine. Not THIS time.

You need to know, this film (BOYS) changed my life. When I first saw this movie several days ago, if I’d been asked "are you gay," my answer WAS "I still don't know for sure, so I'd have to reply, “I don't know." NOT anymore.

This wonderful film really got me thinking. So, I watched it AGAIN. And suddenly, I recognized MYSELF as a kid, like Sieger, with a crush on another boy. Sieg's confusion reminded me of my own, way back when.

But I was not lucky, like him. I had been traumatized by a rapist as a kid, and was unable to establish my sexual identity when I should have, many years ago.  

Finally I have freed myself of bad memories, and faced with a choice between homosexual feelings or a continued heterosexual lifestyle, I am finally surrendering to my feelings, and someday will find a guy to LOVE.  Got to find my guy, wish me luck. 

Maybe you should see BOYS, too, dude. Especially if you are still hurting yourself, like I was. STOP NOW.

I am not "here," right now of course, but if you post a Comment or especially have a question for me, I'll return and reply to you, for sure. What I'm hoping is that you will find the answer you are seeking right here in one of the Topics I wrote about. Because I wrote this Blog to HELP PEOPLE such as yourself. It's about LIFE, DEATH, and some of the things in between -- that happened to me. Click below, PLEASE.

The Beginning begins here === My FIRST post - an Introduction - if you landed here, CLICK THIS ONE NEXT.
SUICIDE AIN'T PAINLESS === It hurts everyone who gets left behind.
STOP beating up little kids! === Make him STOP. Call NOW. 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
Were you RAPED? Stop hiding. Tell someone TODAY === Call 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673).
YOU ARE HERE ===> GUYS ONLY: Am I gay? === Where will YOU go in life as a PERSON?
Is DIVORCE the cure for a bad marriage? === Stop thinking of yourself, THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN.
CANCER takes a piece of everyone. === An ounce of PREVENTION is worth a pound of cure.
Has DEATH knocked on Your Door? === Someone who LOVED YOU really WANTS you to find PEACE.
Don't Ignore your MENTAL HEALTH === I wouldn't make the same MISTAKE I did, if I were YOU.
Get on with YOUR LIFE! === Do something for YOURSELF, YOU know you MUST, so START TODAY.

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This blog honors the memory of my brother, Allan, and my friend, Ron. R.I.P., guys.
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